So, what’s this all about? Another bloody blog about how hard it is to be a mum? There are so many, I know. So, I wanted to just let you know a little bit about me/us, and how this blog may differ from the others.
I have two sons/bear cubs (Wow, two sons. I haven’t really seen that written down before). My eldest, Khayaletfu, is two-and-a-bit, and Nkosinathi is 5 months old. 21 months apart in age, and both beautiful and sweet little bears. Here they are…
Khayaletfu means ‘Our home’ in siSwati, and Nkosinathi means ‘God is with us’ (You now know some siSwati, the official first language of the wonderful people of Swaziland).
I also have another bear. The Baba Bear. My wonderful Swazi bear. He helped to create these beautiful cubs and is their co-maintainer. They take after him in so many ways, and I love that more than if they took after me (I sort-of hope they don’t). He always puts family first and works his ass off to provide for us all. He protects the boys very much and is not very keen on my corner-cutting as a mummy, although is very diplomatic about telling me, as he doesn’t want to make me tantrum (Is that a verb?), which I do. A lot. In fact, he lives with three children. One of them should know better at a mature 37-years old.
Baba Bear was born in Swaziland, Southern Africa and, as a result of a premature emergency birth in December 2016, so was Nkosinathi. Khayaletfu and Mama Bear were born in England. We have all spent time in both Southern Africa and England, as well as the US, over the past couple of years, and are starting to think about where to settle. At the moment, we’re based in London, but that could all change in a heartbeat.
You see, Baba is an artist. An actor, director, writer, teacher, dramaturg, producer, YOU NAME IT, he’s amazing at it, and people always want him to do it. We go wherever his work takes us. Last year, we did Johannesburg (twice), Cape Town, New Jersey, and England. Baba has also travelled to Malawi and Kansas City without us, and is due to be back in Malawi again next month. He’s not even home now – He’s in Swaziland with family! Leaving me to look after our babes all alone (with ever-welcome help from friends and family when they can oblige).
And what about me? Am I just a mummy now? Living in the shadows of my creations? Well, actually, yes. I am a full-time mama, and don’t really have any time to do anything of note for myself except look at my Facebook news feed, or take part in some completely unnecessary Buzzfeed quizzes (my favourite), and sometimes catching up on the MANY series I need to see on Netflix (my second favourite, especially RuPaul’s Drag Race). I have had a history of depression (all as a result of life stuff, but nothing major – I just lack the ability to cope with things), and now suffer from anxiety, which pops up pretty regularly now. Some days it’s OK, some days it’s really not. I’m taking beta blockers, and I need to talk to a professional about my problems. I also get irritable and frustrated a lot more nowadays. In front of my kids. And I really, really, REALLY hate that about myself. I don’t think I have ever felt the frustration I now feel as a mum, and I’ve commuted in London during rush hour! The build-up of irritability, the outbursts, followed by the crippling guilt. Khayaletfu is now at the stage where he copies what I say and do. I’ve even seen him throw his toys after seeing me have a meltdown. It haunts me, as I really don’t want him to turn out the same way.
So, anyway, that’s me/us. It could be really interesting to read about our multi-national, multi-home existence. It might be interesting to see how I deal with my anger, anxiety and depression. You may even just want to look at photos of my bears. Either way, thanks for reading. Some of you who know me ‘in real life’ may find some things out about me that you didn’t already know. Let’s hope they’re good things!
*because I’m a brunette, you see?